Hindsight is 20/20 but when you wear glasses, the past gets that much more blurry. I can remember glimpses of who I was earlier this year but so much has happened that the skin I shed has taken a form I no longer recognize.

I don’t know if this is a good or bad thing, so I will just brush it off as growing pains or rather, “teachable moments.”

I’ve had many breakdowns throughout my life so the breakdown I had in March, under normal circumstances, wouldn’t even have cracked the top 20. Nothing was broken except for maybe my spirit, and a friendship.

I did not spend weeks internally crying and wondering what the future would look like without me in it. All of the hallmarks of a breakdown weren’t present so why would this “speed bump” in my life be worth bookmarking?

Because this breakdown wasn’t a breakthrough. It was a catalyst.

Every year I create a theme word to give me focus and when January rolled in, I intentionally picked “be seen” because I wanted to be more visible, not just with my brand and business but with my life. And as life would have it, that focus quickly got pushed to the side.

I shouldn’t have been surprised. The vision board I spent hours making and putting up on as my laptop wallpaper “mysteriously” disappeared. It was as if the universe was saying “nah bitch, you’re focusing on the wrong thing.”

If being seen wasn’t to be my focus for 2018, then what would it be?

Over the course of several months, I meditated and reflected and wrote about what I wanted my focus to be.

I was very cerebral about it thanks to my Aquarius ascendent and Libra moon. Then I let go. I surrendered. I gave myself a dose of my own medicine.

Finally, on this humid August night, it became clear. My focus is metamorphosis.

I am transforming from being a slow moving caterpillar into a free spirit butterfly. Right now, however, I am deep inside the cocoon. Change is messy and it never looks how we envision it to be.

I can’t spreadsheet my transformation. Trust me, I tried!

I can’t schedule in my aha moments. They come when I’m ready to realize them.

I can’t micro-manage my breakthrough. It’s not a breakthrough if I take control.

Both the caterpillar and butterfly are beautiful creatures in their own regards. The transformation from one to the other does not take away from their individual self-worth.

The caterpillar needs to experience life as a caterpillar so it can appreciate life as a butterfly.

That’s how I feel right now.

I don’t know where my transformation will take me. As much as I want to prepare for change, we can’t really prepare for who we are meant to become. But I can appreciate who I used to be. I can honor my old self. I can forgive her flaws. I can cherish her imperfections.

As I work through this metamorphosis phase, I am looking back and learning to hug the person I used to be. I am going to need to transform into the person who will nurture my inner child so that my caterpillar spirit doesn’t get left behind when I become the butterfly.