I’m pre launch and waiting, all self imposed of course. Not because I’m not ready. That’s always the problem. I’m never ready. Today I was reflecting on a thought about relationships and realized that the one relationship I neglect the most, and trust me there’s a whole damn list, is the one with myself.
Not because I don’t want to cultivate self-love.
Part of me thinks I can’t and yet my actions show that I have the capabilities to be super obsessive when I’m that invested. So how do I reconcile my capabilities with my desires?
I talk a good game about purpose and alignment but behind the scenes I can barely look at myself with the same lens. Part of why I don’t show up in the way others expect of me is because I’m not perfectly crafted to the best of my potential.
Why show up at a 5 when I know I’m totally capable of being that 10?
And so I hide, waiting until I reach the status of 10 only to move the goal post further along as I go. 10 becomes 20 which balloons to 100 and before I am able to get comfortable with showing up, I fall madly in lust with whatever illusions are there to distract me.
Colombian telenovela? check.
Looking up guys from my past? double check and a literal background check, at that.
I can look at the stars and blame my natal chart because Chiron didn’t need to be in Aries and yet there he is and here I am never feeling like I’m enough just as I am.
So tomorrow I’ll launch, or maybe the next day. Because I only live in two places, the past and the future.
Eventually I’d love to get a day pass to visit the present moment, but I’d probably just spend the time perusing IG, looking for another reason to avoid reality.